Love, Sex & Homework

Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about you,
As if I can just stop-

Even though the time we’ve spent together has been relatively short, it was one of the best times of my life,
I still have to keep reminding myself,
That, as you said, they were some of the worst times of our lives lives and we had given each other that,
We- consisting of you and me,
You’ve been terrible to me, intentional or unintentionally,
And I’ve been horrible and nasty to you, intentionally or not, I had given you sadness and dispair- 

And now that we’re no longer together, 
It has given me opportunity to realise all the mistakes we’ve made with each other
Every time I reflect upon the sorrows and angst I’ve brought upon you, my stomach hurls a little just out of pure remorse
How could I have made someone I love so much feel like that? Without even knowing most the time

A few months ago, if someone were to say, “get over him, spend the rest of your life without him,”
I would have hurled-
Because you were the love of my life,
And in some very faithful way, I still believe in that
That we are special, we had something truly beautiful and quite rare in life

But there’s no such thing as not moving on,
There is no logic behind willingly letting myself stay in that position forever,
You can cry and cry and cry but in the next step, you need to pick yourself up and decide what to do

So now I can imagine the rest of my life without you next to me in bed,
I can imagine going to Paris with someone else also special to me,
All the images I would have always run away from,
Now I can fathom them, I can accept them if they were to happen;

Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it won’t get easier,
I think that’s called acceptance,
And by accepting, I think it’s already becoming easier :)

So I can sit here right now,
And imagine myself holding hands with someone else in Paris,
Standing at the end of the altar with him, about to say my vows,
And feeling like the luckiest girl in the world
Even if he isn’t you 

I can imagine saying “no” to you,
How wonderful is freedom?

A few days ago, I would always be wondering, 
What is he doing? Does he ever think of me?
Has he moved on? Has he forgotten about me?

But since I’ve woken up and decided,
No, this has got to stop, you are stronger and better than this,
It has just stopped.
How great is the strength of willpower?
Now that I know you can’t peek into some of my inner thoughts anymore
Both because you don’t access and you have stopped checking back anyway,
To know what I think,
What I write, what I feel,
Is somewhat detached from your opinion of me,
Is independent of whether you still care about me or you’ve stopped, 

I really am not waiting anymore, 
Just as you had wanted,
But more importantly, because I want to stop
And just like that, I have stopped and I will continue to not wait anymore,
You are rejoicing in your freedom, and I am rejoicing in mine, 

I hope you are proud of me :)
Proud that for the first time in a long time,
You might not have another chance with me.